Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

mtm105

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Bad: I saw my girlfriend's name and number on a couple of men's bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting...

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout "police emergency" and run away

Stop correcting my vodkabulary.

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it's like to be sober.

[At job interview]
M. "No, English is my second language."
I. "What's your first language then?"
M. "Emoji."

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering 'I know what you did last Christmas'

Nomenclature is important when courting a lady. For example, "feminine scent" and "feminine odor" are perceived differently. You're welcome.

Even if you're single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.

I'm sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. Anyone who bought WiFi please google "Fatal Engine Error:38" & come to Cockpit ASAP. Thanks

*phone rings*
SATAN: Hey I bought your soul on Craigslist last week?
ME: No returns
SATAN: Please. It's making me sad

Can't believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I'M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I'm the only party guest.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I didn't see you first.

I'm not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I'm just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion...

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

Acid rain is total bullshxt. I stood in it for hours and didn't even hallucinate one time.

I don't use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don't drink, I'm not that shallow. You have a driver's license, right??

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

this Holiday Inn has their flag at half mast...I'm assuming one of their guests died overnight

ME: Why are you leaving?
WIFE: I have hated every stupid pun of yours since we left Manhasset 20 years ago
ME: Manhasset been that long?

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

For someone who said "Correct me if I'm wrong..." you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

I don't punish the dog for eating my unattended food because I do the same thing to other people

At my parent's house, or as I like to call it, the world's most judgmental self-service laundromat.

I'll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.

Joke's on my neighbor, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

Ladies, here's a secret. The moment you are happy and over us, we will send you a text saying that we miss you.

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the Pope, nor will I become a cannibal.

*Police bust through door*
-QUICK FLUSH ALL THE SUGAR
-WAIT, WHY!?
-I DON'T KNOW, THEY DO IT IN THE MOVIES!

Canada.
Because I love being cold 95% of my life.

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

Not to brag, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city.
*enters initials

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm - "I love ramen noodles"
12:01am - "I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once"

I hope "citibank" is better at math than spelling.

Women: Don't date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he'll still be a man, and you'll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost $107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

Don't ever leave a bag of mini Heath bars at your desk to prove you can't be tempted....
Because Satan's game is strong.

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5
Seeing the smiles on your family's faces: $126

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
 

Vinsanitizer

Kitteh!!
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Why did the salad blush in the refrigerator?


...because it saw the Italian dressing.
 

mtm105

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Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to "Toys For Tots" before you're eligible for an Xbox?

I wonder if Magic Johnson ever regrets wasting the world's best porn name on a basketball career.

Dear Autocorrect, She's an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks, now I'm never getting a date!

Politicians are like sperm, one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.

I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
 

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