Farmer invests $1,000,000 the effects of marijuana on cattle. The steaks are high. Bread is just like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist. It would be weird if a human yelled out “Anyone wanna f**k?”, but birds do it all day and nobody cares. Every time you drive by a hospital, you’re probably near lots of people who are having either the worst day of their life, the best day of their life, the first day of their life, or the last day of their life. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, but that’s also the definition of practice. It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry. Saying you sleep 8 hours a day sounds perfectly normal. But, saying you sleep 4 months a year sounds insane. When a human follows me around I get incredibly annoyed. When my pet follows me around it’s the sweetest thing ever. As an adult, I just realized I can go to the zoo whenever I want. 20 years ago it was exciting to go online and talk with someone from far far away. Now it's exciting to go online and find someone who happens to live nearby. Having social anxiety feels like you’re in a theatre play without a script. Snakes kill in two ways: with hugs and with kisses. I hate it when kids scream in public! You have no REAL problems. It should be me screaming… ME! Life is like soccer. My mother signed me up for it and I f**king hate soccer. Wasn’t planning on eating a pint of raw cookie dough today, but sometimes life takes surprising turns. I'm old enough to remember when people thought having "one for the road" was a good idea. Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it. Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes. I may not be the sexiest man alive but I’m definitely in the top three billion. *forgets to bring phone into the bathroom* i’m off the grid Self care is transferring your instant noodles into a real bowl. I almost have enough saved to be homeless in Hawaii.