Question about AA and Hard Ass

Geeze

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AA/NA helped me grow up and become a human being instead of a Jerry Springer sideshow POS. But even Bill Wilson - one of the founders - realized it was only the beginning of learning to live life without destructive distractions - drugs, food, gambling, sex, adrenalin - you name it - and contribute to society.

There's a great passage in the back of the AA Big Book about motivations. Because drinking / drugs is a big part of adult live it posed a question for going to a bar / party. 'Are you going there to take from the experience or give to the experience?' My guiding star for life.

Russ
 

ricksdisconnected

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AA/NA helped me grow up and become a human being instead of a Jerry Springer sideshow POS. But even Bill Wilson - one of the founders - realized it was only the beginning of learning to live life without destructive distractions - drugs, food, gambling, sex, adrenalin - you name it - and contribute to society.

There's a great passage in the back of the AA Big Book about motivations. Because drinking / drugs is a big part of adult live it posed a question for going to a bar / party. 'Are you going there to take from the experience or give to the experience?' My guiding star for life.

Russ


sometimes we did both Geeze.
 

DaDoc

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wow.

ok the guy is a douche or he doesnt deliver the message well one.
leave this guy out of everything bro. you nor your wife need that bs right now.
hes a hero to some i guess but not for you or yours bro. back away and keep
him at arms length.
i tried AA back in the 80s. didnt work for me or did i really want it to. seemed
like what was mentioned above, substiuting one addiction for another
is how i found a lot of the members. and then there were those that seemed to only
want to brag about who was the biggest drunk or biggest user. it got old.
some fols were pretty helpful though and took things serious, but ya had to weed through the
BS to find them.
i never subcribed to the whole "once a addict always a addict" mindset. i didnt
believe in it way back then or now. i think when you tell yourself that every day then thats
what you stay as. you never grow away from it. you never let that part of your life go.
you keep reliving the cycle in your mind every day, keep reminding yourself that your an addict.
i just dont believe once a (anything you can put here) always a...........
this system might really work for some, but i personally think its a mental trap. you label yourself
and thats what you tell yourself daily. why remind yourself over and over of the big mistakes.

i dont know your wife. i dont know her addiction. i dont know if she medicating for something else.
good chance that she is though. you need to find out what that might be and work on that.
stop treating the infection and fix the tooth. as for the relapse, was it a one time thing or has it just continued?
did she just have a drink or has it been a drunkk fest? how long was she sober? whats her age?
is she anging out with drunks? whats her friends like? are they real friends?

in either case, if she dont want to stop nothing in the world will make her want to either.
its gotta be her choice. NOBODY can do it for her save one.
thing is, in truth, you gotta ask yourself how much your willing to take too though.
how far are you willing to go? ive seen more than i need to see of couples ending it over this very thing.
how strong are your sholders? how far can you carry the burden? will you walk throug hell to try and keep
things together? i warn you, more often two go in and only one comes out my friend.

i wish you strength, courage, and wisdom, through these trying times and the road ahead.
if this is truely an addiction she and you are battling your gonna need all of the above you can get.
make no mistake, this is serious business. it can make or break you, her, and anything and everything
you folks have together. the expense is unimaginable in the end, or can be. it can cost you everything you have.
your relationship, your finances, your home, your family and friends, jobs, and far to often your life.
just to name a few.

ive been reading a book lately, Basic Instruction Before Leaving Earth, writen by I AM.
might just be the help you two need too.
if i may be of service PM me.

Well said, Rick! :yesway:
 

C-Grin

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Been there brother, good luck. And whatever it takes to get clean and start thinking rationally again is a good start. And no do not listen to the ass hat, of course she needs to want it but being pushed away is not the right way to start wanting it.
My ex decided she wanted something else and I had no power to stop it, but I wish you the best and hope she will see the light.
 

KidBlast

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wow.

ok the guy is a douche or he doesnt deliver the message well one.
leave this guy out of everything bro. you nor your wife need that bs right now.
hes a hero to some i guess but not for you or yours bro. back away and keep
him at arms length.
i tried AA back in the 80s. didnt work for me or did i really want it to. seemed
like what was mentioned above, substiuting one addiction for another
is how i found a lot of the members. and then there were those that seemed to only
want to brag about who was the biggest drunk or biggest user. it got old.
some fols were pretty helpful though and took things serious, but ya had to weed through the
BS to find them.
i never subcribed to the whole "once a addict always a addict" mindset. i didnt
believe in it way back then or now. i think when you tell yourself that every day then thats
what you stay as. you never grow away from it. you never let that part of your life go.
you keep reliving the cycle in your mind every day, keep reminding yourself that your an addict.
i just dont believe once a (anything you can put here) always a...........
this system might really work for some, but i personally think its a mental trap. you label yourself
and thats what you tell yourself daily. why remind yourself over and over of the big mistakes.

i dont know your wife. i dont know her addiction. i dont know if she medicating for something else.
good chance that she is though. you need to find out what that might be and work on that.
stop treating the infection and fix the tooth. as for the relapse, was it a one time thing or has it just continued?
did she just have a drink or has it been a drunkk fest? how long was she sober? whats her age?
is she anging out with drunks? whats her friends like? are they real friends?

in either case, if she dont want to stop nothing in the world will make her want to either.
its gotta be her choice. NOBODY can do it for her save one.
thing is, in truth, you gotta ask yourself how much your willing to take too though.
how far are you willing to go? ive seen more than i need to see of couples ending it over this very thing.
how strong are your sholders? how far can you carry the burden? will you walk throug hell to try and keep
things together? i warn you, more often two go in and only one comes out my friend.

i wish you strength, courage, and wisdom, through these trying times and the road ahead.
if this is truely an addiction she and you are battling your gonna need all of the above you can get.
make no mistake, this is serious business. it can make or break you, her, and anything and everything
you folks have together. the expense is unimaginable in the end, or can be. it can cost you everything you have.
your relationship, your finances, your home, your family and friends, jobs, and far to often your life.
just to name a few.

ive been reading a book lately, Basic Instruction Before Leaving Earth, writen by I AM.
might just be the help you two need too.
if i may be of service PM me.

That was very well written Rick, I see a lot of wisdom and testimony of roads hard traveled in these words... good for you..
 

saxon68

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I’m going to guess it’s a lot like any addiction, you have to really want it and can only do it for yourself, not for anyone else or it won’t work.

I quit smoking a bunch of times for others, and your mind really fucks with you. You start thinking you deserve it, you don’t have other problems, you’re not into the hard stuff, you’re not stealing or whatever and boom you’re back into it.

When I finally quit I did it cold turkey, for me. I didn’t mess around with any of the “I’ll quit tomorrow” or “I’ll quit when the pack is empty” crap. I woke on my birthday and said I’m done. Flipped off the pack of smokes on the nightstand, and left them sit there for a month and flipped it off every morning. After a month I knew I had it kicked, tossed that pack and gave away the rest of the carton.

I turned 27 that day, and I’ll be 53 next month, not a puff of a smoke or any other puffs since.

I guess my point is she won’t be ready till she’s ready, sometimes you have to hit bottom before you can pull up.
 

Gunner64

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My brother went to rehab 3 times, in AA for years. Nothing anyone said to him or did for him did anything to help him. He'd get out of rehab and the first thing he'd do is get a half gallon of vodka and drink himself silly.

He destroyed every relationship he ever had..wives, kids, our mother, my brother, neices, nephews friends..all of them.

We couldn't help him no matter what we did.

He also destroyed his liver and kidneys and he went on life support the 14th of September, and we had to make the decision to pull the plug and he died at 2:30am on the 15th with my brother and myself at his side in the icu. He was 55.

It WILL kill you eventually and if that's not enough of a reason to stop I don't know what is. Just fu#king stop. You gotta want it, bottom line. No Amount of preaching will help if you don't want it

Some people can not and will not allow themselves to be helped. That was my brother

RIP Patrick. I hope you finally found some.

And as to the op that guys a dick and needs a smack in the face
 

StrummerJoe

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My brother went to rehab 3 times, in AA for years. Nothing anyone said to him or did for him did anything to help him. He'd get out of rehab and the first thing he'd do is get a half gallon of vodka and drink himself silly.

He destroyed every relationship he ever had..wives, kids, our mother, my brother, neices, nephews friends..all of them.

We couldn't help him no matter what we did.

He also destroyed his liver and kidneys and he went on life support the 14th of September, and we had to make the decision to pull the plug and he died at 2:30am on the 15th with my brother and myself at his side in the icu. He was 55.

It WILL kill you eventually and if that's not enough of a reason to stop I don't know what is. Just fu#king stop. You gotta want it, bottom line. No Amount of preaching will help if you don't want it

Some people can not and will not allow themselves to be helped. That was my brother

RIP Patrick. I hope you finally found some.

And as to the op that guys a dick and needs a smack in the face
Sorry for your loss. I've known a couple like that...gone too soon.
 

paul-e-mann

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I cant see how AA is helpful, constantly talking about drinking, keeps it in the mind all the time I would think, better off to quit on your own when youre ready, and remove all the triggers (people, places, things) and go on with your life doing other things. :shrug:
 

paul-e-mann

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My brother went to rehab 3 times, in AA for years. Nothing anyone said to him or did for him did anything to help him. He'd get out of rehab and the first thing he'd do is get a half gallon of vodka and drink himself silly.

He destroyed every relationship he ever had..wives, kids, our mother, my brother, neices, nephews friends..all of them.

We couldn't help him no matter what we did.

He also destroyed his liver and kidneys and he went on life support the 14th of September, and we had to make the decision to pull the plug and he died at 2:30am on the 15th with my brother and myself at his side in the icu. He was 55.

It WILL kill you eventually and if that's not enough of a reason to stop I don't know what is. Just fu#king stop. You gotta want it, bottom line. No Amount of preaching will help if you don't want it

Some people can not and will not allow themselves to be helped. That was my brother

RIP Patrick. I hope you finally found some.

And as to the op that guys a dick and needs a smack in the face
RIP Patrick...
 

KidBlast

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My brother went to rehab 3 times, in AA for years. Nothing anyone said to him or did for him did anything to help him. He'd get out of rehab and the first thing he'd do is get a half gallon of vodka and drink himself silly.

He destroyed every relationship he ever had..wives, kids, our mother, my brother, neices, nephews friends..all of them.

We couldn't help him no matter what we did.

He also destroyed his liver and kidneys and he went on life support the 14th of September, and we had to make the decision to pull the plug and he died at 2:30am on the 15th with my brother and myself at his side in the icu. He was 55.

It WILL kill you eventually and if that's not enough of a reason to stop I don't know what is. Just fu#king stop. You gotta want it, bottom line. No Amount of preaching will help if you don't want it

Some people can not and will not allow themselves to be helped. That was my brother

RIP Patrick. I hope you finally found some.

And as to the op that guys a dick and needs a smack in the face

I'm very sorry about your brother Gunner,

I too hope he finally found peace and that you have too..
 

DreamerDeceiver

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I personally cannot attest to what youre feeling, but I watched nearly every friend from my past go through it. Whether at 20 years old-50 y/o or currently still fighting their demons. To stop, you / they ...... need to want it ! Theres no faking it. Interventions are BS, because the addict wants to be the victim, and everyone else is the cause. Some people are addicted to everything they do until theyre obsessed beyond saving....it could be anything. Its the drugs and booze that do the most harm, to friends-careers-marriages-families....bands. Some have to go cold turkey and preach about it endlessly to others that dont have same problems. Thats unhealthy as well. Others need to slam the wall and hit ultimate rock bottom, before starting their ascent. Some prefer to lie and hide it, and just remain closet junkies,functioning alcoholics and Pilly's etc. Most just want to blame everyone but themselves. Again , Ive never been addicted to anything,..though over indulged in nearly everything in the early days. I pretty much remained only a weed puffer since I was 14...now 53. I dont want coke-pills-or booze....just not my thing. I never go looking for anything else,...reefer does it a few times per day after work. So I truly do NOT believe in the gateway drug nonsense. Some ppl love booze, 3 of my brothers actually,.....it was ultimately the death of all 3 before hitting 60 y/o. Where as I dont think I drank anything since 24-25 years old......because I just got bored with partying by then. But all my friends still party like its 1999 with the exception of maybe 2 of them. Again, I'll never understand how tough it is,.......but its ultimately up to the addict to stop needing.
Addicts can resist everything but temptation, so you have to eliminate the temptation 100%. They cant be around it/people/memories of it, at all. Its just a reminder of the good ole days for them, and thats their feel good place. Even though you are trying to help your loved ones to kick it and start living, they dont see it that way......AT ALL ! They just see you as the enemy/obstacle...hindering their fun.
I hate seeing people going through this sh!t,....and there arent too many success stories surrounding the subject.

I truly hope that anyone suffering-struggling and falling short of controlling your demons.......PREVAIL !
But you /they gotta want it bad.
Take good care of yourselves.
 
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StrummerJoe

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I cant see how AA is helpful, constantly talking about drinking, keeps it in the mind all the time I would think, better off to quit on your own when youre ready, and remove all the triggers (people, places, things) and go on with your life doing other things. :shrug:
For some it helps to have others who have had the same experiences there to listen and give encouragement.

For some it make the urge to drink very real after listening to the same poor me stories again and again. I fall into that category, but I never wanted to be there in the first place.

For those it helps I'm glad it's there.
 

ricksdisconnected

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Well said, Rick! :yesway:


thank you my good sir. you know me, i like to joke and poke with the rest of you guys but every so often i gotta break character and get serious. this stuff is serious business. far to often we loose everything trying to
care for the ones we love while they go through this mess and far to often we come out alone on the other side.
broke, busted, and in pain. that can go for the addicted or the loved one trying to protect the addicted.
addiction is real. it knows no race, gender or creed. it knows death and destruction just like the one that sent it.
serious talk and i'll hold from there to keep this post alive and full of the support for mtm.
 

Frodebro

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I cant see how AA is helpful, constantly talking about drinking, keeps it in the mind all the time I would think, better off to quit on your own when youre ready, and remove all the triggers (people, places, things) and go on with your life doing other things. :shrug:

The meetings I went to weren't quite like that, it was mostly lots of stories of the stupid stuff everybody did while they were drinking, and the damage done. It took a bit of hunting around to find that group, which is typically the case. Like guitar forums, every AA group has its own distinctive "personality," and like every forum every group also has "that guy" who seems to live for making others as miserable as he is.

Having said that, I only attended meetings for maybe six months. My last day of drinking was September 16, 2006, and a few days after that I entered a 21 day rehab facility. I attended meetings for a while after that, as that was what I was told I was supposed to do, but eventually realized that they weren't really helping me any more than I was already doing successfully on my own. However, I know that I'm an exception in this case, as many people truly do need that support group to help keep them on the straight path.

At this point in my life, alcohol isn't an issue at all. I can sit in a bar with friends all night long and not crave even a beer (I always do iced tea), and I never think that a drink would be a good thing, no matter what kind of day I've had. It's just not a part of my lifestyle anymore.
 

ricksdisconnected

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The meetings I went to weren't quite like that, it was mostly lots of stories of the stupid stuff everybody did while they were drinking, and the damage done. It took a bit of hunting around to find that group, which is typically the case. Like guitar forums, every AA group has its own distinctive "personality," and like every forum every group also has "that guy" who seems to live for making others as miserable as he is.

Having said that, I only attended meetings for maybe six months. My last day of drinking was September 16, 2006, and a few days after that I entered a 21 day rehab facility. I attended meetings for a while after that, as that was what I was told I was supposed to do, but eventually realized that they weren't really helping me any more than I was already doing successfully on my own. However, I know that I'm an exception in this case, as many people truly do need that support group to help keep them on the straight path.

At this point in my life, alcohol isn't an issue at all. I can sit in a bar with friends all night long and not crave even a beer (I always do iced tea), and I never think that a drink would be a good thing, no matter what kind of day I've had. It's just not a part of my lifestyle anymore.


you my sir are the freakin man bro. well said from start to finish. :applause:
 

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