Question about AA and Hard Ass

mtm105

Well-Known Member
Joined
Feb 11, 2014
Messages
4,169
Reaction score
4,199
Location
NW NJ Exit 25
My wife just "relapsed".

I'm in Al-Anon with another dude who has been in AA three decades and he thinks he's a superstar.
I've been in/around both programs three decades.

So I texted him if he could have a female member from his Thur night group contact my wife, or give me a contact number.

He gets all hard assed. Telling me that she has to find help on her own. And that when it comes to recovery there is no sugar coating.

Where in AA literature does it say that that kind of approach is effective?? Because if it says that somewhere, my hats off to him.

Cult-like behavior if you ask me.
 
Last edited:

fitz288

Well-Known Yinzer
Gold Supporting Member
Joined
Apr 7, 2020
Messages
5,742
Reaction score
15,406
Location
the Burgh
I've been in AA for about 7 years, sober for over 2.
It takes time, I've relapsed many times.
It's ok - that's part of the process.
Best advice I could give is try to convince your wife to go with you to a local meeting ASAP.
If the dude you know is a hard ass, move on to someone willing to help.
(there are some who think there is only one way - and their way is the only way)
You'll probably find a lot of helpful people willing to assist at any meeting you can find.
That's the main reason we keep going to meetings.
Step 12 is to carry the message.
T&P
 

Frodebro

Well-Known Member
Joined
May 14, 2014
Messages
4,944
Reaction score
7,107
Location
Seattle
That guy is not representative of everybody, but there are enough out there like him to make things unpleasant at times. Just sidestep his grumpy, dry drunk ass and keep asking around. You’ll find the right person.

Also, send a positive note to your wife on my behalf. I had a number of pretty bad relapses before I was able to really get my head around making the commitment, and just hit sixteen years of total sobriety. When you fall off the wagon, you just have to get back on and hold on a little bit tighter. It’s tough, but not impossible.
 

mtm105

Well-Known Member
Joined
Feb 11, 2014
Messages
4,169
Reaction score
4,199
Location
NW NJ Exit 25
That guy is not representative of everybody, but there are enough out there like him to make things unpleasant at times. Just sidestep his grumpy, dry drunk ass and keep asking around. You’ll find the right person.

My intention was that I thought I knew him well enough. And I thought that he might know the right fit & personality for her to get started. You can imagine my concern.

Her problem is that the women where I live is not a strong demo. And I haven't seen many good ones. And my wife will be attracted to the wrong one.
Adversely, my wife had seen at least one good one, whereas my wife won't listen. The woman came to our home armed with a Big Book. And they had a long outdoor chat. Woman left looking disappointed.

If it is of any merit, wifie now now has to deal with INTRALOCK system for the next year. First I felt bad for her. Now I'm GLAD.
 
Last edited:

DaDoc

Well-Known Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2014
Messages
4,920
Reaction score
7,182
Location
Rancho Deluxe, 3rd stone from the sun
I'm sure outfits like AA or NA helps a lot of folks, but I worked with a couple of guys who were into that in the 80's and it eventually seemed to me they were merely substituting the meetings for the drugs or booze..All they seemed to be into was their nightly meetings every night. No real life to speak of. And it was all they wanted to talk about every day!

It WAS like some kind of cult, or the people who's into Amway (Which is kind of cultish as well). And they DO tend to get a bit full of themselves about the whole thing it seems.

It was annoying as HELL to be around them day in and day out, five days a week, and made me want to hit the bar after work.

IMHO, if one wants to sober up or clean up, it's ultimately up to THEM..I've gotten in a bit too deep a couple of times in my life, and cleaned up without help from any support groups, which all too often in themselves seem to be a revolving door between sobriety and addiction.

But if that's what would work for your wife, best of luck to you both..I would forget the hardassed "friend" and seek help elsewhere.
 
Last edited:

ricksdisconnected

Well-Known Member
Joined
Aug 11, 2019
Messages
15,029
Reaction score
27,907
wow.

ok the guy is a douche or he doesnt deliver the message well one.
leave this guy out of everything bro. you nor your wife need that bs right now.
hes a hero to some i guess but not for you or yours bro. back away and keep
him at arms length.
i tried AA back in the 80s. didnt work for me or did i really want it to. seemed
like what was mentioned above, substiuting one addiction for another
is how i found a lot of the members. and then there were those that seemed to only
want to brag about who was the biggest drunk or biggest user. it got old.
some fols were pretty helpful though and took things serious, but ya had to weed through the
BS to find them.
i never subcribed to the whole "once a addict always a addict" mindset. i didnt
believe in it way back then or now. i think when you tell yourself that every day then thats
what you stay as. you never grow away from it. you never let that part of your life go.
you keep reliving the cycle in your mind every day, keep reminding yourself that your an addict.
i just dont believe once a (anything you can put here) always a...........
this system might really work for some, but i personally think its a mental trap. you label yourself
and thats what you tell yourself daily. why remind yourself over and over of the big mistakes.

i dont know your wife. i dont know her addiction. i dont know if she medicating for something else.
good chance that she is though. you need to find out what that might be and work on that.
stop treating the infection and fix the tooth. as for the relapse, was it a one time thing or has it just continued?
did she just have a drink or has it been a drunkk fest? how long was she sober? whats her age?
is she anging out with drunks? whats her friends like? are they real friends?

in either case, if she dont want to stop nothing in the world will make her want to either.
its gotta be her choice. NOBODY can do it for her save one.
thing is, in truth, you gotta ask yourself how much your willing to take too though.
how far are you willing to go? ive seen more than i need to see of couples ending it over this very thing.
how strong are your sholders? how far can you carry the burden? will you walk throug hell to try and keep
things together? i warn you, more often two go in and only one comes out my friend.

i wish you strength, courage, and wisdom, through these trying times and the road ahead.
if this is truely an addiction she and you are battling your gonna need all of the above you can get.
make no mistake, this is serious business. it can make or break you, her, and anything and everything
you folks have together. the expense is unimaginable in the end, or can be. it can cost you everything you have.
your relationship, your finances, your home, your family and friends, jobs, and far to often your life.
just to name a few.

ive been reading a book lately, Basic Instruction Before Leaving Earth, writen by I AM.
might just be the help you two need too.
if i may be of service PM me.
 

Adieu

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 12, 2013
Messages
2,822
Reaction score
2,934
The problem with AA/NA is that they're codependent, addicted to addiction, AND a source of endless excuses for themselves.

Yes, substituting addictions does often work.

No, this isn't your best substitute in the 21st century.

Get into yoga or something, that's a damn cult too.
 

StrummerJoe

Well-Known Member
Joined
May 3, 2021
Messages
3,648
Reaction score
11,215
The problem with AA/NA is that they're codependent, addicted to addiction, AND a source of endless excuses for themselves.

Yes, substituting addictions does often work.

No, this isn't your best substitute in the 21st century.

Get into yoga or something, that's a damn cult too.
One of the dumber things I have ever seen was indoor "Hot Yoga" in Phoenix, Az....In the summer....when it was like 113 degrees or somewhere around stupid hot.

Hated Phoenix. It was hot, dirty, and smelly. Like all my exes.

(apologies to desert lovers)
 

Trelwheen

Made With Real Bacon
Double Platinum Supporting Member
Joined
Nov 18, 2017
Messages
3,214
Reaction score
7,974
Location
Texas
it does work for some though. not altogether a bad thing.

It worked for my dad. He got pretty involved with AA for about 2 years. Then I guess he just continued on his own, and hasn't had a drink since about.... I believe it was 1983.
 

Latest posts



Top