Telling people I'm on a diet to prepare for a movie role, because that sounds way better than "my wife is not letting me eat bread". I had a swear jar, but I fxcking broke it. If life is a gift, does that mean Hindus believe in regifting? I wonder if Vlad the Impaler would have chosen a different career path had his last name not been 'The Impaler'? Instead of going through the agony of a breakup talk, just give the person candy corn. They’ll get the picture. If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him. 1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have 'lady problems' then start crying. It works even better for guys. "I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".