in a dilemma ... need some advice, urgently

[GibsonMarshallGuy47]

so... I'm 48, I have a wife and two kids, and I'm pretty close with my parents, my brothers, their respective significant others, and their kids. for the most part, my wife & kids get along pretty well with everyone too. my parents are in semi-retirement, and have moved to a beach town to live out their golden years. next year, they want to plan a huge multi-family trip including ALL of us... everyone... they're doing this to celebrate my dad's 70th birthday, AND their 50th wedding anniversary... the last time they planned a big family trip like this was about 5 years ago, when my dad retired from his insurance business that he had been running for about 35 years or so. me and my family did not go on this trip because to be honest, we could not afford it (it was WAY expensive), and it was not going to work out with me and my wife's job, and our kids' schooling... we were the only family among my brothers that did not go... they were disappointed, but they went anyway and had a great time.

fast forward to now, with the trip that they're currently planning... first, just to give some perspective, we are all east cost folk... parents live in south New Jersey, me and my one brother live in the Philadelphia area, my other brother lives in Cherry Hill,NJ, and my other brother lives in NYC & Asbury Park,NJ... the trip destination that was decided on (without our input) is Vermont... where in Vermont? I have no idea... we've never been there. 2 of my brothers have, and as far as I know, I think they enjoyed it... apparently we're going next summer... what do we plan on doing there? I have no idea... it will be a week-long trip... from the research I've done, it seems like Vermont has really nice scenery, people seem to like to go hiking, go skiing there, and go to breweries, distilleries, and wineries, fancy food places, etc.... me and my wife do not drink at all... needless to say, me, my wife, and my kids are not thrilled about going at all... its going to be a 10 hour drive there and back (at the very least), and to our estimation, this trip is going to cost us somewhere in the ballpark of $4,000 at the bare minimum... it just seems like a lot to go somewhere to just hang around and enjoy the scenery for an entire week, while everyone else drinks heavily the entire time... unfortunately, we are the ONLY ones that have expressed this, and our opinions have fallen on deaf ears. even though we've suggested that we consider possibly picking another destination instead of Vermont... nevertheless, its more or less been decided already, and it will probably come down to OUR decision to either go or not go... of course us NOT going is going to cause some major disappointment with my parents and my brothers as well, especially since this will be the second time we have opted to not go on a huge multi-family trip like this... my wife and I are stressed to the max, trying to figure out what to do about this.

I'm thinking - if this was a weekend trip, maybe a 3 or 4 hour drive, only costing us maybe one or two grand, then maybe we'd suck it up and go, without complaining. but it just seems like this is going to be an exhaustive, boring, bank account draining experience that will be stretched out across an entire week.

I think I need some unaffiliated third party input on this. I'm really struggling with this decision. HELP!!

 

[Buc McMaster]

There is no guilt in being true to oneself........the only expectations one need live up to are their own. Falling short of the expectations of others should be of no consequence and should never enter into ones' decision making.

 

[GibsonMarshallGuy47]

There is no guilt in being true to oneself........the only expectations one need live up to are their own. Falling short of the expectations of others should be of no consequence and should never enter into ones' decision making.

thanks. yeah, we definitely feel like we are being pressured into doing this trip. and if we don't, the guilt unloaded on us will cause a lot of stress & anxiety with me and my wife. we really don't need it. we have more than we can handle already.

 

[paul-e-mann]

so... I'm 48, I have a wife and two kids, and I'm pretty close with my parents, my brothers, their respective significant others, and their kids. for the most part, my wife & kids get along pretty well with everyone too. my parents are in semi-retirement, and have moved to a beach town to live out their golden years. next year, they want to plan a huge multi-family trip including ALL of us... everyone... they're doing this to celebrate my dad's 70th birthday, AND their 50th wedding anniversary... the last time they planned a big family trip like this was about 5 years ago, when my dad retired from his insurance business that he had been running for about 35 years or so. me and my family did not go on this trip because to be honest, we could not afford it (it was WAY expensive), and it was not going to work out with me and my wife's job, and our kids' schooling... we were the only family among my brothers that did not go... they were disappointed, but they went anyway and had a great time.

fast forward to now, with the trip that they're currently planning... first, just to give some perspective, we are all east cost folk... parents live in south New Jersey, me and my one brother live in the Philadelphia area, my other brother lives in Cherry Hill,NJ, and my other brother lives in NYC & Asbury Park,NJ... the trip destination that was decided on (without our input) is Vermont... where in Vermont? I have no idea... we've never been there. 2 of my brothers have, and as far as I know, I think they enjoyed it... apparently we're going next summer... what do we plan on doing there? I have no idea... it will be a week-long trip... from the research I've done, it seems like Vermont has really nice scenery, people seem to like to go hiking, go skiing there, and go to breweries, distilleries, and wineries, fancy food places, etc.... me and my wife do not drink at all... needless to say, me, my wife, and my kids are not thrilled about going at all... its going to be a 10 hour drive there and back (at the very least), and to our estimation, this trip is going to cost us somewhere in the ballpark of $4,000 at the bare minimum... it just seems like a lot to go somewhere to just hang around and enjoy the scenery for an entire week, while everyone else drinks heavily the entire time... unfortunately, we are the ONLY ones that have expressed this, and our opinions have fallen on deaf ears. even though we've suggested that we consider possibly picking another destination instead of Vermont... nevertheless, its more or less been decided already, and it will probably come down to OUR decision to either go or not go... of course us NOT going is going to cause some major disappointment with my parents and my brothers as well, especially since this will be the second time we have opted to not go on a huge multi-family trip like this... my wife and I are stressed to the max, trying to figure out what to do about this.

I'm thinking - if this was a weekend trip, maybe a 3 or 4 hour drive, only costing us maybe one or two grand, then maybe we'd suck it up and go, without complaining. but it just seems like this is going to be an exhaustive, boring, bank account draining experience that will be stretched out across an entire week.

I think I need some unaffiliated third party input on this. I'm really struggling with this decision. HELP!!

Dont sweat it, be honest and tell them you cant afford it and its too far, farther than you would want to travel. At some point they will recognize they need to include you in the planning stages of these trips. Ive skipped many a family gathering for similar reasons, if you want me to participate include me in the planning its that simple plus ive made it very clear what my requirements are over and over in the past, you should know them by now they havent changed!

 

[GibsonMarshallGuy47]

Dont sweat it, be honest and tell them you cant afford it and its too far, farther than you would want to travel. At some point they will recognize they need to include you in the planning stages of these trips. Ive skipped many a family gathering for similar reasons, if you want me to participate include me in the planning its that simple plus ive made it very clear what my requirements are!

thanks for your input.

honestly, if we were going somewhere with set plans on activities that we were doing, and if it was somewhere we were really excited to go to, then we would not have a problem going. I'll spend the money and drive wherever, if me and my wife & kids are emotionally invested in going. but to go somewhere that we are absolutely NOT excited about, spend several thousands of dollars, and drive an entire day to get there, and then spend an entire week just enjoying the scenery while other people get plastered.... ugh... nope.

the thing is, the general consensus is that we are all just supposed to go along with it without question, considering the fact that its for such a landmark occasion, to celebrate my parents' 50th anniversary, and dad's 70th b-day. like, just suck it up and do it because we all love mom & dad.

 

[Harlequin tusk]

Go and hang out, you can find the $$$$, don't be selfish. I did the same thing, avoided our Family reunion for years, well guess what, 3 of my family has died, didn't get to see them. I was selfish for making up excuses of why I didn't go (was the only one in a large Family that did not attend).

In the end, your Family is all you have, friends come and go but Blood is thick. Hey, if you don't like your Family, then don't go, but don't make up excuses for not going..........

Once they pass on, you won't get another chance.

 

[GibsonMarshallGuy47]

Go and hang out, you can find the $$$$, don't be selfish. I did the same thing, avoided our Family reunion for years, well guess what, 3 of my family has died, didn't get to see them. I was selfish for making up excuses of why I didn't go (was the only one in a large Family that did not attend).

In the end, your Family is all you have, friends come and go but Blood is thick. Hey, if you don't like your Family, then don't go, but don't make up excuses for not going..........

Once they pass on, you won't get another chance.

its not really about being selfish. I think that is over-simplifying it. the distance we'll be traveling and the amount of money we'd be spending is a hell of a lot for a trip we are not looking forward to going. and remember, its not just me. its my wife and two kids that are also really not into this trip at all... if it was ONLY me that had an issue, maybe we might just suck it up and go... but its pretty much unanimous between the 4 of us... and by the way - we see my parents every two months, when we go to visit them at their beach house. we always spend an extended weekend there whenever we go. so its not like we don't see them often. quite the opposite, actually.

 

[Mike_LA]

Family is only around once.
Don't go for the entire week.
Vermont is not that bad.
Playing cards with family has always been fun ....
I'm spending close to 2k (had to sale an amp) just to bring my kid to my mom's for 4 days of the holiday season...

 

[GibsonMarshallGuy47]

Family is only around once.
Don't go for the entire week.
Vermont is not that bad.
Playing cards with family has always been fun ....
I'm spending close to 2k (had to sale an amp) just to bring my kid to my mom's for 4 days of the holiday season...

see my previous post... we actually see my parents quite frequently now. we have been and will continue to do so for years to come... so, you're talking about an entire week of looking at scenery, playing cards, going out to a few nice dinners, and watching everyone get plastered for 4 to 5 grand that we don't have, with 10-12 hour drives there and back... seriously??

 

[Mike_LA]

. seriously??

Ok, well then all I got is, "isn't week legal in Vermont"?

 

[GibsonMarshallGuy47]

Ok, well then all I got is, "isn't week legal in Vermont"?

um, you mean "weed"?.. LoL... I don't know, but I do plan in partaking in that if we ultimately decide to go on this trip. I can't speak on behalf of my wife & kids, though.

 

[mcblink]

so... I'm 48, I have a wife and two kids, and I'm pretty close with my parents, my brothers, their respective significant others, and their kids. for the most part, my wife & kids get along pretty well with everyone too. my parents are in semi-retirement, and have moved to a beach town to live out their golden years. next year, they want to plan a huge multi-family trip including ALL of us... everyone... they're doing this to celebrate my dad's 70th birthday, AND their 50th wedding anniversary... the last time they planned a big family trip like this was about 5 years ago, when my dad retired from his insurance business that he had been running for about 35 years or so. me and my family did not go on this trip because to be honest, we could not afford it (it was WAY expensive), and it was not going to work out with me and my wife's job, and our kids' schooling... we were the only family among my brothers that did not go... they were disappointed, but they went anyway and had a great time.

fast forward to now, with the trip that they're currently planning... first, just to give some perspective, we are all east cost folk... parents live in south New Jersey, me and my one brother live in the Philadelphia area, my other brother lives in Cherry Hill,NJ, and my other brother lives in NYC & Asbury Park,NJ... the trip destination that was decided on (without our input) is Vermont... where in Vermont? I have no idea... we've never been there. 2 of my brothers have, and as far as I know, I think they enjoyed it... apparently we're going next summer... what do we plan on doing there? I have no idea... it will be a week-long trip... from the research I've done, it seems like Vermont has really nice scenery, people seem to like to go hiking, go skiing there, and go to breweries, distilleries, and wineries, fancy food places, etc.... me and my wife do not drink at all... needless to say, me, my wife, and my kids are not thrilled about going at all... its going to be a 10 hour drive there and back (at the very least), and to our estimation, this trip is going to cost us somewhere in the ballpark of $4,000 at the bare minimum... it just seems like a lot to go somewhere to just hang around and enjoy the scenery for an entire week, while everyone else drinks heavily the entire time... unfortunately, we are the ONLY ones that have expressed this, and our opinions have fallen on deaf ears. even though we've suggested that we consider possibly picking another destination instead of Vermont... nevertheless, its more or less been decided already, and it will probably come down to OUR decision to either go or not go... of course us NOT going is going to cause some major disappointment with my parents and my brothers as well, especially since this will be the second time we have opted to not go on a huge multi-family trip like this... my wife and I are stressed to the max, trying to figure out what to do about this.

I'm thinking - if this was a weekend trip, maybe a 3 or 4 hour drive, only costing us maybe one or two grand, then maybe we'd suck it up and go, without complaining. but it just seems like this is going to be an exhaustive, boring, bank account draining experience that will be stretched out across an entire week.

I think I need some unaffiliated third party input on this. I'm really struggling with this decision. HELP!!

I hear ya loud and clear.
I'm one of those kinds of people that can't enjoy trips like that, because in the back of my mind, I know what it's costing me the whole time, and it robs me of enjoying it. Especially just to hang out drinking somewhere lol

Is their own disappointment more of a hardship to you than actual financial hardship caused by going on a trip you can't afford at the moment?

If I were in your position, I would explain myself to them and stand by it. Sounds to me like you don't really wanna go anyway, so my vote:

Don't go. But also: enjoy your holidays anyway.

 

[mark123]

The wife's brother was getting married for the 5th time and wanted us to be there. We planned time off, got hotel reservations spent a bunch of loot on clothes and then the church and reception hall canceled everything due to stupid COVID. We lost the $800 hotel money (no refunds) and have stupid clothes we never wanted hanging in the closet unworn.

Then the brother decided to have the whole thing once the shutdown was over. The wife just told him nope. Not a chance we were spending even more after losing all that loot. He wasn't happy but my wife didn't care. He didn't come to our wedding anyway.

Don't overextend your finances for something you really don't want to do. Realize that such obligations don't really exist. Do a FaceTime call or something.

 

[GibsonMarshallGuy47]

I hear ya loud and clear.
I'm one of those kinds of people that can't enjoy trips like that, because in the back of my mind, I know what it's costing me the whole time, and it robs me of enjoying it. Especially just to hang out drinking somewhere lol

Is their own disappointment more of a hardship to you than actual financial hardship caused by going on a trip you can't afford at the moment?

If I were in your position, I would explain myself to them and stand by it. Sounds to me like you don't really wanna go anyway, so my vote:

Don't go. But also: enjoy your holidays anyway.

and the bigger picture of this situation is - if we did hypothetically decide to go on this trip, what will that mean for the 4 of us (me, my wife, and kids), in regards to going on our own annual family vacation that we usually do every year? will we have the funds to do so? will we have to skip that considering that we won't be able to afford two vacations in one year? are there other things we will have to skip or refrain from doing (home improvements, car maintenance, other sudden financial emergencies that come up, etc.) ? compared to my brothers, financially speaking, we do not make as much as they do. maybe they can afford spending thousands and thousands of dollars on multiple vacations every year, but we certainly can't.

 

[GibsonMarshallGuy47]

The wife's brother was getting married for the 5th time and wanted us to be there. We planned time off, got hotel reservations spent a bunch of loot on clothes and then the church and reception hall canceled everything due to stupid COVID. We lost the $800 hotel money (no refunds) and have stupid clothes we never wanted hanging in the closet unworn.

Then the brother decided to have the whole thing once the shutdown was over. The wife just told him nope. Not a chance we were spending even more after losing all that loot. He wasn't happy but my wife didn't care. He didn't come to our wedding anyway.

Don't overextend your finances for something you really don't want to do. Realize that such obligations don't really exist. Do a FaceTime call or something.

married for the 5th time?? oh hell no. that is one wedding I sure as hell would not be attending... or if I did, there would sure as f*ck not be any gift from me at all whatsoever, nor would there be any kind of major investments (travel expenses, expensive suits or tuxes, etc.). and furthermore, anyone that gets married a 4th or 5th time is insane... LoL

 

[SonVolt]

Think about it this way. Will you be robbing your children of memories w/their family? I know everyone's family is different and I don't know your relationship with your parents and siblings, but a trip being "boring" and/or a minimal financial burden would not be a reason to opt-out of a family reunion.

 

[mark123]

Think about it this way. Will you be robbing your children of memories w/their family? I know everyone's family is different and I don't know your relationship with your parents and siblings, but a trip being "boring" and/or a minimal financial burden would not be a reason to opt-out of a family reunion.

I wish I was robbed of the memories of the drunken family get together. 😂

 

[TXOldRedRocker]

I didn't read all the responses, but here's my take.

I think you answered your own question. Tell them, whatever reason you decide to give, you and your family can only go for 3 or 4 days. Pick those days, spend less, be part of the family trip. Have lots of fun for the days you're there.

 

[crossroadsnyc]

Taking a trip in which you've basically been told "take it or leave it" doesn't sound like a lot of fun to me. While I'm agreement with the notion that family is only around for so long, I do not agree that the memories of a week spent around drunken relatives in Vermont are something you'll likely cherish if you go, or miss out on if you do not. When you add the fact that the trip will be a financial burden to your immediate family (wife and children), respectfully declining seems like an easy option. If it were me, I'd explain why exactly I can't go (stressing the financial burden to your family), and suggest that hopefully the next trip is something that can accommodate the entire family.

 

[paul-e-mann]

its not really about being selfish. I think that is over-simplifying it. the distance we'll be traveling and the amount of money we'd be spending is a hell of a lot for a trip we are not looking forward to going. and remember, its not just me. its my wife and two kids that are also really not into this trip at all... if it was ONLY me that had an issue, maybe we might just suck it up and go... but its pretty much unanimous between the 4 of us... and by the way - we see my parents every two months, when we go to visit them at their beach house. we always spend an extended weekend there whenever we go. so its not like we don't see them often. quite the opposite, actually.

If you like skiing, camping, hiking, Vermont is the place to be, other than that who knows. Will they be staying at a resort hotel, that would be fun to just hang out at, meals, pool, golf maybe? You could go and just make the best of it, you might enjoy it! Hanging with the fam! Just trying to be positive.......I think I'd pass...