I gotta vent (heavy content)

[Filipe Soares]

I think if you keep playing civil, playing the long game you will be united. if you went berserker she will react and that will separate you even more.

one thing I saw in mexican people while living there is how strong they are reooted to their culture, and their culture spins around their family. her choice seens to be around this theme, and that´s something to respect... but common sense must have a voice too, and living in a dangerous zone is not acceptable, even if your family was there for tha past 100 years.

my portuguese family use to live in a neighbourhood that was almost a little portugal in rio, for about 40 years. it was very nice, until it wasn´t so they moved to another location for another 50 years, and I, who does not give a flying fuck about , it left to somewhere else 10 years ago and kept moving because i´m not a tree.

 

[Wildeman]

Damn man, I can't even imagine this. Fwiw, I know you're doing right by playing nice, one wrong move and she'll just stop answering the phone, then what? Just keep your head together like you've been doing and we'll try to keep this a positive place for you to come recharge your battery.

 

[Maggot Brain]

I think if you keep playing civil, playing the long game you will be united. if you went berserker she will react and that will separate you even more.

one thing I saw in mexican people while living there is how strong they are reooted to their culture, and their culture spins around their family. her choice seens to be around this theme, and that´s something to respect... but common sense must have a voice too, and living in a dangerous zone is not acceptable, even if your family was there for tha past 100 years.

my portuguese family use to live in a neighbourhood that was almost a little portugal in rio, for about 40 years. it was very nice, until it wasn´t so they moved to another location for another 50 years, and I, who does not give a flying fuck about , it left to somewhere else 10 years ago and kept moving because i´m not a tree.

Oh yeah, just my 4 years in Mexico and also the fact the town I grew up in has a large Mexican population, that they are extremely rooted in culture.

Regarding the mother of my son, her mother is extremely prideful of being Mexican to a fault and it's where she gets it from. My ex's father lived nearly half his life in the US and told me it was always his dream growing up. When he was around 18 he got his Green Card and worked and lived in the US and said his dream was coming true to be a full fledge citizen. One of his trips back he met the mother of my ex and started a relationship with her. She later became pregnant (with my ex) and insisted he stay in Mexico and marry her. Soon after she became pregnant again with my ex's brother and he remained in Mexico to raise their family. He tried and tried to convince his wife to move to the US with him for the children sake at the very least but she insisted leaving Mexico is betraying their country and their culture. He opened up a lot to me while I lived there and he became pretty close to me, he was kinda out casted from the rest of the family because the marriage was failing and he returned to the US for a number of years. He told me he tried desperately to convince his wife to move just on the other side of the border in so they could raise the kids in the US but still be only minutes away from Mexico. She still insisted it was betrayal to their nation and culture and refused to have anything to do with it. He did eventually convince her to obtain Visas for her and the children and made trips to the US but said his wife did not like going into the USA, that they were Mexican and belong in Mexico. I see now this has all rubbed off onto my ex and I realized some time ago she is both EXACTLY like her mother in so many ways and afraid to ever go against her mother's wishes in any way, shape or form. The irony is when I met her she couldn't stand her mother and her mother controlling her ever move in life. We had a long distance relationship for awhile and her mother would lecture her and scold her staying up late talking with me (late as in past 10 or 11pm)... She would vent to me how she prays to God she never turns out like her mother, that she doesn't ever want to be like her mother... It's so ironic and crazy that she has literally become her mother.

Her mother is one of the biggest issues in our relationship as my ex WAS considering moving to the US with me after we found out she was pregnant but her mother immediately started scolding her and judging her for even considering moving to the US. This woman is so "prideful" and stubborn that she insisted my son to not learn English but only Spanish as he is Mexican because his mother is Mexican. That he not participate in any US culture, she insisted he has Mexican blood and will live and die in Mexico... It's fucking ignorant and so closed minded... sigh, her and her mother are the most close minded people I've ever met, it's pretty pathetic imo

Her father pulled me aside multiple times and told me to take my son to the USA even if his daughter says no, that he thought the US is the best place for the child to grow up... He understands my frustration as it's very similar to his struggles in life.

It's one thing to be proud of your native country but to be so brainwashed with pride and culture that you can't see reality is another. It's not like he wouldn't be visiting Mexico often. My original offer in court was that he lived with me during the school year and spent summers in Mexico with his mother... I think that would be beautiful as it gets to experience both sides of his roots while remaining safe(er) in the US.

I could go on and on but at this point it is what it is and I know it's just a matter of time until my son will strongly voice his opinion on where he wants to live. He tells me every week he wants to return to my home in the US, he says "daddy I want to goto you house"... All I can say is that I want him to come to my house BUT he needs to ask mommy to come to my house. Unfortunately he doesn't quite understand what I mean for him to ask his mother but any time now he will be able to voice his opinion. I know it's just a matter of time before he returns to me and returns to the US. I just have to play the "game" for his sake and like you said, work on the long game.

I've got this, I'm cool as can be and don't even argue with anyone. She tries to start arguments but I never participate and she is finally realizing she can't bait me into argue or fighting and it's been driving her nuts. She did open up about a week ago and told me she missed living as a family, the three of us but insisted she "doesn't miss me"... haha, she's finally starting to show some cards. I admit she can keep her cards hidden better than anyone I've ever known but she's slipped up a few times recently... I don't call her out on it and still play oblivious.

I love how you worded it man "I'm not a fucking tree"... It's so perfect. I've ever offered to her if she doesn't want to live in the US, if there was another (safer) nation she would be willing to move with our son. I'm not hung up on the US because I'm from here, I'm willing to move anywhere in the world with my son if it's safer than the city he lives in now... This isn't about pride or nationality but the best interest of a little innocent child who we are in charge of setting the path for his future.

Damn man, I can't even imagine this. Fwiw, I know you're doing right by playing nice, one wrong move and she'll just stop answering the phone, then what? Just keep your head together like you've been doing and we'll try to keep this a positive place for you to come recharge your battery.

Thanks Wilde! This is and always has been my little get away, my little online home. No where have I found a community better than this place and it's all you great guys on here.

I'll keep my head on straight, play the long game and so whatever it takes for my son. He is my life simple as that.

I love you guys here, between this place, my guitar, gear and music etc I have kept my mind clear and positive. I don't even feel sad or depressed anymore, between my distractions and hobbies I have my eye on the prize and appreciate the here and now. Things can ALWAYS be worse, I just think about any parent that may have lost a child and I am instantly grateful for my scenario, as in, it's not the best scenario but it's FAR FAR from being bad or even the worse.

Appreciate every moment guys! We are blessed in so many ways every day and a lot of the time we don't even realize it.

✌❤🙂 (Peace, Love and Happiness)

 

[Cal Nevari]

Thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for the support, your opinions, your stories and encouragement.

An update,
I call my son every single day but my ex doesn't always answers the calls. I do get to video call him multiple times a week and we usually spend 2 to 3 hours each video call. My son is going on 4 1/2 yo and getting much better at expressing himself, he tells me nearly every call we have that he wants to return to my house... I won't lie to him and I explain to him he has to convince his mother how he feels, that I want him to come to my house but mommy says no. He is already showing signs of resentment towards her, he's acting out like never before and it's blatantly obvious he isn't completly happy... It's unfortunate it's panning out this way but it is what it is and as of right now all I can do is support him as best I can from afar and encourage him to express himself, to express what he truly wants to his mother. My son is extremely strong willed and I have faith as time goes on he will be more and more vocal regarding what he wants. I hope and pray that his mother and her mother (the grandmother) realize they are harming him by keeping him from his father, that he WANTS to return to the US.


I sent him every toy he asked Santa for 😆, he had a VERY good Christmas and got to open the gifts with me and spend hours together on video call on Christmas, I'm extremely grateful.

I'm keeping my opinion and feelings to myself to simply build better communication with his mother. She's been a little more civil and went as far as admiting she missed raising our son together... I'll play civil for the sake of my son and see how far I can get with her, how far we can re build communication, trust and all that... I'll do whatever it takes to be with my son, even if I have to play interested in her or whatever it comes to... I have one life mission and it's to be with my son. I have faith him and I will be together again, actually I know we will. I raised him from birth until this drama happened, his mother still isn't hands on and her mother (the grandmother) is pretty much caring/raising him 24/7. Him and I have a bond like I've never felt before in life, his me and I am him, his literally another me 100% and he senses that in me as well... It's a hard situation but panic, anger, frustration or any negative emotion will not benefit anyone and be toxic to my health. I take one day at a time and so grateful that my son is healthy, alive and generally safe. I'm prey every day he stays safe and feel each day he is safe and healthy is a true blessing. It's easy to take things for granted, it's easy to dwell and get lost in the negative, it's easy to allow negativity to consume you... We have so much to be grateful for and there is always someone worse off than us, don't take it for granted. I may have lost custody and he lives in another country but he is alive and safe. They're mother and fathers out there who have children that have passed away and would prefer to be in my situation... So it's just important to keep perspective of our fortunes, we can manifest energy and in a way steer the direction of our life. Maybe not entirely control every direction we head but we can influence very much where we go in life and must keep focus on this.


Thank you all for the support from all of my heart, I love you all ✌❤🙂

Wow, that’s awesome 😎!
Sounds like you are doing all the right things. Unfortunately, patience will likely be your most faithful ally until he is older. That his mother is being more civil is a really good sign. We get more flies with sugar than with vinegar. 😉

 

[StrummerJoe]

Man, you are handling it way better than I ever could.

Hoping for a positive resolution.

 

[BluezMe]

Searched the Thread for the Name of the Town... couldn't find it... guessing it's near the Boarder because that seems to be the "Hot Spot" for the Cartels fighting.

Knew a guy who moved back to Florida where he was originally from... got a Great well paying Job... driving a Huge Air Conditioned 3 rear Axle Dump Truck hauling Grain from the Docks in Tampa. Married a Latina... had a Son... wife eventually went nutty... Divorced... she got Custody of the Child.

He eventually went off the Rails... quit his Job... Kidnapped his own Son and became a Fugitive... to this Day... don't know what happened to him.

Prayers with you Brother

 

[10kDA]

Wow, prayers and best wishes that things work out for the best. As others have written, patience is a powerful tool for dealing with your situation.

It's true, many Mexicans are concerned about US culture rubbing off on Mexican culture, and in a lot of ways, rightly so. But it's often a very generalized concern that's based on fearful perceptions. This is a thing in Hispanic families in the US as well. When my mother got very ill and I moved back to her home town to take care of her until she passed, my Latina+Native American girlfriend was extremely surprised. She said "That's such a Hispanic thing to do." Well, my family is from the South, and for us, it was something family does. But she seemed to believe the typical US Male would not do something like that because the connection to family is much weaker in "white" (as she put it) US culture. I don't know if that is necessarily true.

The point I'm trying to make is that battling misperception is harder than battling reality a lot of times. If your ex is becoming more civil and less hostile maybe her perception is changing. The video calls are a great idea. Maybe patience will pay off in the long game even if it feels like being somewhat stuck now.