A Lot Of People Can Say They Have A Body Like Thor’s Now.

mtm105

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I hate it when people ask me what I’m doing next year. It’s not like I have 2020 vision, or anything.

No one would ever know if a tree chirped like a bird.

You can’t snap your fingers inside your mouth.

People love to say a broken clock is right two times a day but what they don’t tell you is that it’s wrong 863,963 times a day.

Typing the word “skepticism” is like playing Pong with your keyboard.

People who say sex is the best feeling have never worn socks for 24 hours or more straight, and took them off and scratched their ankle.

Space is only 62 miles away. Which is like an hour long drive.

Most people are made on beds, born on beds and die on beds.

When I listen to my voice on a recording, I wonder how I still have friends.

The fact that Scooby Doo can talk and solve mysteries, is far more terrifying than any of the villains.

Not being a Game of Thrones fan today, feels like being a non-football fan on Super Bowl Sunday.

Everyone at least once as a child, tried to balance the light switch between on and off.

Your money’s not yours. It’s just your turn with it.

Robert Downey Jr’s transformation from a drug addict whom no one in Hollywood wanted, to one of the world’s biggest superstars, is the most amazing redemption arc ever.

Being a physics professor in the marvel universe must really suck.

Your phone number is the password a stranger needs to get in contact with you.

We have two, unrelated celebrities named Will Ferrell and Pharrell Williams.

It’s nice that our arms are long enough to reach our own genitals.

Swimming at night, feels like you’re getting away with something.

A $20 bill feels like an adult dollar.

Dogs must think we are amazing hunters when we come back home with a car-full of groceries.

Emos are gone now because everyone is depressed.

A McDonald’s on Mars will be open 25 hours and 687 days a year.

Telling a depressed person to be happy because they are loved, is like telling someone with asthma to breathe because there is oxygen around them.

It seems like everyone in university is smarter and more qualified than you… except your group project members.

Falling in love during a dream is maybe the most savage way the mind can play tricks on itself.

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike, is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

Go away kid, I don't have bubble wrap.
That’s just the sound my knees make when I stand up.

My Wife: Why are you home so early?
Me: My boss told me to go to hell…

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist. That's probably where I'll be selling it.

Just hit a racist with my car.
Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there's no racism problem?

Genie: I shall grant you three wishes..
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me.
Genie: Here's the thing Mike, she's with me now...

That awkward moment when you maintain long eye contact with someone who's really attractive, only cause it's too hard to walk away from the mirror.

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