2019: live, laugh, love 2020: lather, rinse, repeat Day 1: Staying at home, avoiding social gatherings, and eating food I have hoarded. Day 50: Continuing with this process. Day 100: Still feeling ok. Day 2500: Now a global virus has arrived and others are doing what I do. Because of Covid-19 the spelling bee has been cansul....cancil....cancul..... It's been called off!! Of all the things I learned in grade school. Trying to avoid Cooties was the last one I expected to ever use. This quarantine is so unfair to men. We lose $1.00 of salary for every .79 cents that a women loses. After years of working hard and many late nights I've finally become a PhD. ( Pizza Hut Deliveryman ) The man who invented auto-correct died today. Wrest in piece. I totally understand how batteries feel. I’m rarely included in things, either. I can hear everything you're mumbling under the duct tape. Yes, I will marry you. How bad is my career? I met a homeless guy on the beach in Los Angeles & thought “Wow this guy has it made." Me [hopping on twitter]: Some stupid shit on here. Also me: How I can contribute? I was struggling to get my wife's attention. So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would've been if he'd eaten fresh spinach instead of canned. Some days you’re the Cap’n Crunch and some days you’re the roof of the mouth. Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock, instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of G-d? Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kid pisses me off. Pizza is a good argument against nihilism. As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps. Remember the Good Old Days??