A day in the life of a UPS driver..

Discussion in 'The Backstage' started by DaDoc, Apr 10, 2020.

  1. DaDoc

    DaDoc Well-Known Member

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    A friend sent us this, and I thought maybe some of y'all here would enjoy it..We got a kick out of it and I also hope it might lighten the mood a bit! :D

    Note: the "rona" is apparently a new buzzword, short for coronavirus.


    From an anonymous UPS delivery driver..

    5 types of customers since the "rona":

    1) Steve:

    He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He's been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arm's reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He's sizing me up as I deliver his ammo.

    Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.

    2) Brad:

    He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole foods today. He points to the ground where he has taped a 6 ft. no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bits and his new "Bernie Bro" hat at the tape.

    Brad will not survive.
    Steve will probably eat him.

    3) Nancy:

    She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, and mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about "The Rona" on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft. rule. I leave her yet another case of toilet paper.

    She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.

    4) Karen:

    She has called everybody and read them the latest news on "The Rona". She has asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonald's, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen's kids are currently faking "The Rona" to avoid her. I'm delivering "Hello Kitchen" to her.

    Karen will not survive longer than Brad.

    5) Mary:

    Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop-tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, and a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I'm bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days.

    Mary will survive and marry Steve.
    Together they will repopulate the earth.

    May God have mercy on us all.
     
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  2. jmp45

    jmp45 Well-Known Member

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    Hilarious, thanks Doc, needed that.
     
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  3. MarshallDog

    MarshallDog Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    Im laughing my ass of right now, that is funny as all hell and I do believe its true :rofl::rofl:
     
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  4. Jon Ofjord

    Jon Ofjord New Member

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    Being close to the truth is what makes it so funny!
     
  5. MarshallDog

    MarshallDog Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    Yup, if it comes to it the week (insert adjective here) will parish and the strong will survive!
     
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  6. jmp45

    jmp45 Well-Known Member

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    If this was Steve's house they wouldn't have gotten that far.

     
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  7. jimmyjames

    jimmyjames Well-Known Member

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    Second dude dead? Or with the gimp in the basement? I prefer Steve and Mary to the other three :yesway:
     
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  8. CoyotesGator

    CoyotesGator Well-Known Member

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    Pictures of Mary not loading....
     
  9. Drinkingdeath01

    Drinkingdeath01 Well-Known Member

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    Boilermakers and an AR ? Sounds like a good start but where's the AK, Saiga 12 gauge and the homemade pipe bombs ? Steve sounds like he's just warming up. My kind of man.
     
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  10. axe4me

    axe4me Well-Known Member

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    6.
    Phyliss my cousin is a RN.

    She thinks she's the smartest person in the room.

    Phyliss is an idiot.

    Phyliss went to a Corona party and is now sick.

    Phyliss wants to be with my niece's daughter.

    My nieces daughter is in grammar school.

    Phyliss is an apothetic ass.

    Phyliss thinks she's the brightest bulb.

    She practically tells you this.

    She's just like her mother................my aunt.

    Aunt Rose in not a popular person.

    Phyliss is an idiot.

    She has signs of the virus but doesn't want to go for testing.

    Phyliss calls my sister and want my sister to come over and keep her company.

    This smart person is an idiot.

    ********************UPS Driver, skip Phyliss's house.
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2020
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  11. DaDoc

    DaDoc Well-Known Member

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    I can find a bit of myself in every one of those customers..Except Karen.

    One of our neighbors is a "Karen", and I'm surprised she has survived this long, even before The Rona..NOT a pleasant person, to put it politely!

    Also, even though I might be a little bit like Steve, No way would I eat Brad, although I might feed him to my dogs..:lol:
     
  12. axe4me

    axe4me Well-Known Member

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    I've been a "pro" driver .............self employed for 35+ years.

    I don't love driving.

    I just tolorate it.

    There are lots of bad drivers out there.

    I was doing 70 on a 50 mile an hour road..........Route 571 in NJ to be exact.

    If I didn't drive 70 mph, that douche bag tailgating me would have run me off the road.

    I had my blinkers on too........the douche was with me all the way.
     
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  13. DaDoc

    DaDoc Well-Known Member

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    QUOTE="axe4me, post: 1959107, member: 38832"]I've been a "pro" driver .............self employed for 35+ years.

    I don't love driving.

    I just tolorate it.

    There are lots of bad drivers out there.

    I was doing 70 on a 50 mile an hour road..........Route 571 in NJ to be exact.

    If I didn't drive 70 mph, that douche bag tailgating me would have run me off the road.

    I had my blinkers on too........the douche was with me all the way.[/QUOTE]

    Highway 89 from Livingston, MT. south is the main drag to the northeast entrance to Yellowstone NP, it's basically a two-lane highway, and every summer we have to put up with drivers who seem to think the speed limit is 100 mph down through there, although it's only 65..:facepalm:

    95% are out of state touristas in hurry to get to the park, but in all fairness there's some locals mixed in as well..And if you're sticking to the speed limit, the bastards will get about six inches from your rear bumper and try to "push" you to go faster..:pissed:

    Makes for an extremely dangerous situation, people get killed in head-ons every summer for no other reason than that they are just too damned impatient, and the fact that there's a lot of critters in the road, everything from deer and elk to bison and moose ups the ante on the danger factor. Hitting a deer will tear your car up, but if you hit an elk, moose or bison chances are you're going to get hurt real bad..Or worse!

    Of course right now there's not much traffic, since the park's closed..We took a ride down that way the other day just to get out of the house for the afternoon, and the traffic was practically nonexistent! I kept looking in my rear-view and seeing nobody there, it was kind of surreal..But at the same time kind of nice..:cool:
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2020
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  14. anitoli

    anitoli Well-Known Member

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    If some a-hole is riding my ass trying to get me to speed up when i most likely am going speed limit or slightly higher i'll just start going so slow they have no choice but to deal with it or pass.
     
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  15. jimmyjames

    jimmyjames Well-Known Member

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    I put my hazard lights on, confuses the shit out of 'em, they usually back off :yesway:
     
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  16. MarshallDog

    MarshallDog Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    Exactly, or I will do one or more of the following, ride the brake, irregularly tap the brake and/or speed up and then slow dow repeatedly!
     
  17. Drinkingdeath01

    Drinkingdeath01 Well-Known Member

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    My tow truck has nine LED flood lights and a quad row LED light bar on the back. If anyone tailgates me they usually don't last very long. When I'm driving the heavy duty I just hit the Jake Brake and that usually solves the problem.

    Being in the towing business we love bad drivers. Bad drivers are gold, dangerous drivers we hate. There's always a somber mood on a recovery when someone is hurt or killed. I'm not a religious man but I always say a small prayer when cleaning up a fatality.
     
  18. DaDoc

    DaDoc Well-Known Member

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    When we first moved out here we were going up Hwy 89 one night after getting a late start leaving the park, and sure as hell here comes this asshole riding my rear bumper. I had already been warned about the critters in the road, especially at night, so there was no way was I going to speed up to appease him..That's another thing out here, everyone knows about the critters, and nobody wants to be the one to run interference! So they instead will ride your bumper hoping to make you speed up..:mad:

    Anyhoo, here we are going down 89, and I start slowing down, the jerk WON'T pass me, and is staying on my azz..

    Then I see an elk up ahead crossing the road, on a collision course with us, and I do the only thing I can..Jam on the brakes!

    I was going slow enough to avoid hitting the elk, but we were braced for the impact of getting rear-ended by the douchbag..Although there was a lot of tire squalling from the idiot locking his brakes down, fortunately he somehow managed to not hit us!

    After that he decided to back off a couple of hundred feet..Friggin' jackass. :lol:
     
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  19. Kimo

    Kimo Active Member

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    I usually don’t get tailgaters driving my F-350 Hillbilly rig...
    Under the back pipe bumper sits a bar of lights that will burn your eyes along with a row of the biggest KC’s facing downward to windshield level just for someone that decides they might just give it a whirl...

    The front also has an array of lights (aircraft landing lights)for the ones that decide they want to drive with their high beams on so they can see the road better and don’t care that the oncoming drivers get blinded...
    Welp! A lil test blast of the landing lights usually ends that real quick..
     
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  20. Dmann

    Dmann Well-Known Member

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    I drive a dodge grand caravan.

    Apparently this vehicle is a tail gate magnet, no matter where, when or why, no matter the speed or lane, there is always an angry bearded red neck in my rearview waving his arms in the air barking profanities to himself.

    And that's doing 120 kph in a 100 zone, on a freeway with 3 lanes and no other vehicles in sight.....
     
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